So during part of our vacation I had to go back home for a few days, sans wife & kids, and I was able to sit and watch movies UNINTERUPTED! So I took advantage of this and watched a nauseating amount of film, including:
Clan of the Cave Bear - Neaderthals adopt a Cromagnon (Daryl Hannah) who grows up to be smarter and prettier than them. Could be cool, right? But the pacing was slower than glacial, requiring constant FFing
:(Bangkok Dangerous - Nic Cage is an assassin with no apparent specialty or modus operandi. It's amazing what a guy will sit through just for a few quick shots of hot Thai chick dancers.
:(Riverworld - Tahmoh Penikett (BSG) stars in a half-ass crapfest with sub-StargateTV production values which i stopped watching after 20 minutes.
:(
Black Dynamite - genuinely engaging, mostly for the little things (Black Dynamite finishes yelling at his aunt who interrupted his kung-fu practice, but is unable to hang up the phone; drive by guys jump out of car, driver apparently forgot to put the car in park so has to jump back in and hit the brake, etc).
:)Surrogates - Better than expected (crap was expected), tho it was ridiculously complicated because you can't connect the bad guys to any specific face or voice or motivation because they're in different bodies all the time!
:\Cop Out - Didn't laugh; did ponder why Kevin Smith is a director instead of a monologuist... (so he has something to talk about during his monologues i guess!)
:(
Chloe - Very French. Went a little off the rails in the last ten minutes, requiring the viewer to assume/believe that expensive call girls are psychotics.
:\The Losers - An enjoyable, violent spectacle, cool action and fight scenes, easily better than The A-Team, and I dug that they let the villian mock the Indian weapons sellers with his Apu voice.
:)The Runaways - good flick to watch at 2am. I had no expectations going in, and knew nothing about the group, but ended up really enjoying the starting-a-band arc.. Coulda used more Lita Ford tho.
:)Curb Your Enthusiasm s6 & s7 - it's SO EASY to overdose!
:)
Matchstick Men - Saw the big switcheroo coming, but still a cool con flick, beautifully shot. Someone should make a con-game movie where no one gets doublecrossed, because that would actually be a surprising twist for once.
:)The Host - I was unimpressed. The biology of the creature, the inadequacy of the military...
:(The Botany of Desire - Michael Pollan sez "the flowers, they are using us, not the other way around!" (We think we're in charge, planting pretty flowers to look at and shit, but actually, the plants are in charge, tricking us into planting more and more of them, and into taking care of them.)
:\The Goebbels Experiment - Ken Branagh reads select pieces from Goebbel's diary.
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High Kick Girl - Cheap japanese karate movie wherein even the fight scenes sucked.
:(Robo-Maid - Super cheap japanese flick. Even the people who made this movie wouldn't watch it. New WORST MOVIE EVER!
:(Black Ops - Lance Grumbleface on a Ghost Ship. Uninspired.
:(Carriers - starring the new Cpt. Kirk, and apocalyptic (a plague!), but a main character makes an UNFORGIVEABLY STUPID CRITICAL ERROR that ruins the movie ("ah, i've been infected! i'll just pretend that nothing happened and doom all my friends to painful death too!"). OTOH, a minute later, the L&O:SVU-guy walking from the SUV with his infected little girl at the dead school was really powerful, truthful, logical, and affecting.
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Zack & Miri Make a Porno - awk-WARD!
:\The A-Team - Transformers-esque levels of craposity. Greatly disappointing in the execution.
:(Aliens vs Predators: Requiem - It's sad what a tailspin the Aliens franchise has spun itself into. Watched it mainly for the Yutani scene, which is at the very very end of the movie! (I want a Weiland-Yutani t-shirt, or at least a patch.)
:\Hot Tub Time Machine - Enjoyable but flaccid. I like comedy with a specific point of view (to act as the engine for the jokes, I guess), and the only point of view in this film was "make as many lame 80s jokes as you can." They could've done SO MUCH MORE. Also, Rob Corrdry was a crap metalhead, and made it official: if you're on/from The Daily Show, I hate you and will avoid anything you touch. Carrell, and that British twat, and PC Guy man dude, UGH UGH UGH. Their continued employment is an insult to LIFE ITSELF.
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The Crazies - awesome plague flick, logical and tense and fun, and whats-his-face (see also Justified) is probably my new favorite actor, in that I'm now operating under a "if he's in it, I'll see it" guideline.
:)Clash of the Titans - wicked! I thought it was gonna be a Transformers-like mess, but all the action was clear, it looked pretty as hell (haha) and the sound design was gorgeous...
:)My eyes hurt.